i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
