Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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