Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
