I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
