Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize