Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
