I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
