i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
