Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
