I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
