wat bout pragnant strippers??
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
