She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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