i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
