Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
