somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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