Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
