i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
