all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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