he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
We talked him into tasing himself.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
