When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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