Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I need to align my fucking chakras
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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