the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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