so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
