i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
