It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
