I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
