I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Randomize
