my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
