6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
