we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
