Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
