i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
