Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
