my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
