I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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