you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
