When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
