So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
