You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
