I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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