I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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