Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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