I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
