Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
love makes seman taste better
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
