So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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