Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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