I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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