Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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