so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
