Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
