i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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