I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You're like the curious george of whores
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Randomize
