yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
