Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
