drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
