Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
