I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
