I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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