Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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