help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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