i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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