When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
